It’s a new year and time for my predictions for 2014. Many of my 2013 predictions did not come true. Ok, none of them did, but I am sure I have some winners for this year. Here are my NASL Soccer Predictions for 2014.
A lighthearted look at my passion for the San Antonio Scorpions and for the NASL.
January: January Transfer window opens and Minnesota United signs Javier Hernandez to a 3 year deal only to find out that he is not the Mexican superstar Javier “Chicharito” Hernandez who plays for Manchester United but the Olympic sailor Javier Hernandez who sails for Spain . United Coach Manny Lagos stated, “Who would have known there could be two Javier Hernandez?”
February: Schitterbahn Waterpark resorts buy the Ft. Lauderdale Strikers and get approval to build a waterpark at Lockhart Stadium. A lazy river will run through the stadium allowing fans to float down the river during the soccer matches. Season Tickets to the waterpark will include a season pass to the soccer club thus assuring the team will be able to double last year’s attendance numbers as it is not butts in seats but tickets sold that matter. Team rebrands as the RiverRats and changes team colors to aquamarine.
March: In an exhibition match at Toyota Field, the San Antonio Scorpions beat FC Dallas 3-1. Local San Antonians DA Oliver and Sean Arters each score a goal. Dallas fans blame the loss on the fact the team has yet to hire a coach for the MLS season. In other exhibitions, the Atlanta Silverbacks match vs Chivas USA does not go as well as former Silverbacks coach and new Chivas USA Coach Brian Haynes puts an ass whopping on the Silverbacks in a 6-0 win. After the match Coach Haynes comments, “Who’s moving in the right direction now?” Ottawa win some Canadian bragging rights as they beat Toronto FC. 1-0. “We are happy with the win but we have to put this victory into perspective. It is Toronto FC.”
April: NY Cosmos open up the Spring season with a 3-1 win over the Atlanta Silverbacks, yet only 2,000 fans show up at Hofstra University as Cosmos fans were unaware that the NASL had a spring season.
May: Ralph’s Mob travels to Carolina on 5/31 and is troubled by security issues at the stadium. Mobsters are Claiming Carolina fans have invaded the away supporters section and have stolen several Ralph’s Mob scarves. However, it turns out that the scarves have not been stolen but the mobsters just left the scarves on the charter bus!
June: A freakish snowstorm in Alberta causes the cancellation of the FC Edmonton vs Carolina Railhawks match on the last weekend of the Spring Season. Needing to have a champion for the Spring in order to give the hosting team time to sell tickets, The NASL decides the league will tally up the points minus the Edmonton/Railhawks match thus giving the San Antonio Scorpions the Spring title by one point over the Railhawks. Railhawk fans are furious and begin to act out violently. Prisons throughout Carolina are placed on lockdown.
July: In keeping with showing respect for the World Cup, the San Antonio Scorpions schedule an exhibition match on July 4thth against the Honduran National team who was eliminated from round robin play on June 25th. “We feel we are still within the spirit of the NASL policy since Honduras is a World Cup team” said Scorpions president Howard Cornfield. “Besides, we got a plethora of extra matches to fill for those season ticket holders. Whose idea was it to have a 20 game season package? Oh yeah that was mine.” Scorpions tie the Hondurans 1-1 with Walter Ramirez scoring both goals. Walter achieves his lifetime dream of scoring a goal for his home country even if it was an own goal.
August: The Ft. Lauderdale RiverRat’s August 15th home match at Lockhart Stadium is postponed when a malfunctioning water pump causes Lockhart Stadium to be flooded with over a foot of water on the field. Fans take advantage of the mishap and divert their floating tubes onto the pitch. “It’s the most fun I have ever had a RiverRats game” says fifteen year old Michael Macias while sporting a Bring MLS to Miami shirt. “I can’t wait to come back next week!”
September: NASL commissioner Bill Peterson resigns to become league owner of the new Futsal Outdoor Over60 League. The new league is made up of ex professional soccer players from the old NASL over the age of 60. Pele is the first player drafted and assigned to the NY franchise. Commissioner Peterson states, “When I asked fans to watch another league, this is the league I want you to watch”. League owners appoint Ted Westervelt as the new NASL commissioner. Ted’s first act is to relegate himself to NPSL commissioner. A new commissioner search begins.
October: After five consecutive losses by Indy Eleven with four of those matches involving Red Card Ejections to Indy players, the Eleven is eliminated from the fall season title. In response to the poor showing fans file a class action lawsuit against Indy Eleven for misrepresentation as the team has been more like Indy Ten for several matches this season.
November: The Scorpions play Minnesota United in the Soccer Bowl final in an exciting match where San Antonio’ Thomas Zahorski scores in the 90th minute on a bicycle kick to win 3-2. Pablo Campos who had a goal in the first half was unable to return after halftime due to suffering a punch to the groin during the break. Details of how the injury occurred were not released but Police have a list of 8,000 possible suspects. Newly appointed NASL Commissioner Ray Hudson presented the Soccer Bowl Trophy to Scorpions Owner Gordon Hartman. On Zahorski’s goal Hudson commented “ Zahorski’s goal was so good I screamed like a little girl at a One Direction concert”
The opinions from this article represent my own lighthearted look into the future and do not necessarily represent the thoughts or beliefs of the Crocketteers organization. Though I believe they will come true.